My Quarantine Struggles

#MyQuarantineStruggles!

How did that happen?
I wondered,
In this quarantine,
I decided I'll not miss the online church service,
The online Bible study and everything that can help me stay on the narrow path,
You know...

But hey,
Stuff happens,
I don't know how I got myself here.
It started with a call,
He told me he had missed me,
He said that he's been wanting to tell me something, but, he just didn't know how.
At this point, my heart was pumping like water released from a reservoir,
Many thoughts were crossing my mind with excitement at the imagination of us being together.
For a moment, my mind wondered...
"Kwani God huyu #DearFutureHusbae umemleta mapema aje?
Sikuwa na haraka hivi but anyway, si wewe ni God, I'll flow with it. "

How did I get myself here?
One call led to another,
To late night chats,
And video calls...
I was on flight mode ya'll , ready to fly in the direction my heart beat.
After all, maybe God has allowed this quarantine to be the season we finally get together.
I thought to myself...
He told me, he can't wait for the quarantine to end.
We got to do this now!
I was so excited,
Battling every voice of reason in me
I just wanted this to be my reality
I just wanted to say, 'I have someone. '
Lol!

The more time elapsed,
The more the reality that this was never meant to be hit me.
He's single, I'm single, we like each other, let's just get together, you know...
I tried to convince myself,
Every time we met, I went back on my knees cause I needed yet another confirmation from God.
Every time we met, I went back on my knees cause I needed to repent of willful sin.
Every time we met, I went back on my knees cause I felt I was fighting so hard for what wasn't mine.
Every time we met, I went back on my knees cause I felt we were never on the same page...

So,
This piece I'm writing to all singles battling this quarantine realities,
I wonder if you've had a, "how did I get myself here moments..."
I wonder if you've allowed yourself to believe the lie that it's now or never,
Remember, #HeIsWorthTheWait!
I wonder if you've fallen into the trap of the line, I've always wanted to tell you this...
Have you settled for less?

I'm  writing to all married people battling this quarantine realities,
I wonder if you've also had a, "how did I get myself here moments..."
I wonder if you've allowed yourself to be soothed by her/ his seductive words...
I wonder if you you've allowed yourself to believe that so and so's marriage is better than yours cause of what you see them post...
I wonder if you've fallen into the trap of being on social media checking out someone and wishing you were with them...
Have you believed the lie that your husband or wife is not good enough?

God,
I repent, in sackcloth and ashes,
Search me and know me,
Keep me from willful sin,
Protect me from every temptation magnified by this quarantine season.
Fill me with Your Holy Spirit more and more
Because I've figured,
You're all that I really need.
In Jesus name I pray!
Amen!

May God protect us from every temptation magnified by this Quarantine Season.
#WeShallOvercome!

Signed,

Winnie Doxa.

From the collection #HeartToHeart! ❤️

#BlackLivesMatter

Dear George Floyd!

I'm sorry we've met in this manner,
As I write this,
My heart is filled with inexpressible pain and sorrow,
It's unfortunate that the world has gotten to know you in a way that no human deserves to be known
At the point of your untimely death.

I can tell you were a fighter,
I've watched you fight to live under the knees of an officer,
They had your hands down, you still fought with your voice
And I can't breath is the statement you said more than once...

Were they listening?
Were they thinking about your pain?
Could they feel the groan in your voice?
Do they have brothers, sons and fathers?
I wonder,
Do they even have a heart?

It didn't have to end like this,
But it has,
Does it have to take another black life for us to realize that we are first humans before we are coloured?

I can't imagine what's going on in the hearts and minds of your family and friends.
No one deserves to see a loved one die in this manner.
You've died a fighter, fighting for your very life.

Your death is an awakening for us to start living as humans, coloured or not
For us to value life more
For governments to deal with their citizens in a respectful way
For policies to change
For love to be our uniting factor
And if tired is what we have been waiting for,
Watching you die has moved us beyond tired of racism
Something has to change!

My prayers goes out to everyone affected in one way or another by this evil #racism!
My deepest condolences to the family and friends!
I'm praying for you!

Heart felt,
Winnie Doxa.
_
Rest In Power! 

From the collection #BrokenPieces!

Dear Future Husbae

#DearFutureHusbae

I've been thinking about you a lot lately,
I don't know whether it's cause of the quarantine...lol!
Or it's cause of the pressure of seeing images all over my social media of couples...
Or it cause most of my friends are all married...
Or it's cause of all the voices that tell me, why am I still single?
Or it's cause I really wish we were together by now...
Mmh!
*sighs*

If you'd have asked me,
I would have married you 6 years ago,
Yeah, you heard me right...
But looking back, I'm glad I didn't cause it probably would have ended up being a regret ever after,
I was so full of myself,
I thought it was your job to make me happy
To determine my worth, to make me feel like a queen...
Clearly, I put you on a pedestal...

I'm glad I was first introduced to Him (Christ)
Before we meet,
I'm glad He's jealous love for me kept us from meeting,
I won't lie to you, I didn't trip, I did, a number of times, trying to find you in men who didn't know what it's like to treat a King's child.
My heart got broken,
As many times as I tried to find you in them.
Quite honestly, I'm glad it was,
Cause more than ever, I've now gotten really tire of being tired, like for real...
Honey, you are so worth the wait!
And I will wait for you, if it takes all my life...
I remember, I prayed for you
And I still do.

Dear Husbae,
You're probably thinking that I'm so perfect right now,
I'm not, I still fall short, in many ways,
But I'm willing to become better everyday as I submit myself to Christ first,
I'm willing to learn your silent language and memorize it like my birthday date.
I'm willing to uphold you in absolute love and purity until we say, I do!
I'm willing to stay,
To be your ride or die,
To communicate my fears, dreams and everything in between
I'm willing to be yours, not just by name but with all that I am.

I wonder though,
Are you ready for me?
Will you be still asleep like Adam awaiting a heavenly awakening?
Will you be able to read beyond my smiles and silence,
Will you be willing to uphold  me in absolute love and purity in our becoming process...
Will you be able to resist this fleeting beauty and devote yourself to learning the rhythm of my heart?
The rhythm of Christ's heart towards me?
Will you be willing to die to your deep passions for me, daily, that Christ may be glorified through us?
Will you be willing to fight for our our love, as if it's the best love story ever told?
Will you be willing to keep pursuing me even after we say, I do?
Will you be willing to love me daily like Christ loves His church?
Will you be willing to listen to my crazy stories and laugh with me?
Will you be willing to share your deepest thoughts with me,
Confident that you'll find  refuge in my heart.

Man!
I've been thinking about you alot lately,
I wonder if you have,
One thing I'm sure about,
You are worth the wait!
And, I will wait for you!

Thinking about you!

Signed,

Winnie Doxa.

From the collection #HeartToHeart!

#GoodWoman

Let's Start Over Again!

#NewBeginning!

I want to call you X,
But honestly,
I never saw you as one,
Our friendship was unique,
Our attraction was electrifying
And our love, binding.
Or so, I thought.

Even after we broke up,
Part of me, carried you everywhere I went,
I compared the men I had with you,
Because deep inside I wished I was still with you
None of those relationships worked,
Maybe mostly because I never fully allowed my heart to let go of you

I was foolish,
Everyday I wished you could come back
I hoped you could call me back
Maybe I overrated the love you had for me
Maybe I believed the lie that no man would love me like you did
Maybe I was too afraid to trust God with this part of me,
My heart.

So, today,
After almost two decades of knowing you,
I've finally gathered the courage to call you my X
I've finally decided to give this heart back to the one who gave it to me,
God!
Atleast I know He can stop the world just to prove that He loves me,
Something I wish you did, but maybe you didn't love me enough to dare to try.

Dear X,
Thank you for the lessons you taught me.
Thank you for showing me how long suffering I can be.
Thank you for challenging me to believe God for better beyond what you could ever become.
Thank you for creating fears that translated to bold moves
Thank you for helping me find me.
I would love to carry you with me,
But I can't,
Because more than I want to remain safe.
I got to grow.
It's finally, truly, over!

Signed,

Winnie Doxa.

Song playing #WeDance by #BethelMusic 🥰

#Covered

   It Covers Me!

Hi God,

How are you doing?

Well,
I bet you are fine,
I mean, you are God.
Right!

So,
Alot has been happening lately,
Ok, let me go way back.
I was a good Christian, at least I thought so
I worked deligently,
I honored those in authority,
I paid my tithes and offering
I helped the needy,
I went to church,
I was involved in service
And occasionally I prayed and studied my Bible.

God speaking, (claps)
Winnie,
I'm fine thank you,
Tell me more about you,
Cleary you must have been a classic Christian
You were so self approved,
For you it was just about the routine, right?
Meeting the deadline,
Showing up when it favored your image
Giving when it was convenient for you
And serving, because you thought that I needed it...mmh!
I don't!

Winnie
OK,
Wait,
Are you saying all that didn't count?
Are you saying, I'm not a classic Christian?
Come on Dad,
I can't be that bad.
I'm born again, I gave my life to You way back when I was a child.
And if you ask me, I think I've tried to stick to the narrow path...
Anyway, all that is besides the point.

Lately,
Things have been so difficult,
My movements restricted,
I lost my job,
Schools closed, so I'm back to the drawing board,
The bills are calling,
No more church to serve you from
The atmosphere is sorrounded by fear
And to be more honest,
I've been having some serious introspection...

God
Tell me about it...

Winnie
It's about your blood,
I've realized how it has been covering me all through,
I remember the countless times you were leading me but I turned away,
The times I chose my will over yours,
Yet you took me through,
The times I hurt the very people you call your children,
The times I lied,
The times I was prideful and selfish,
Yet, Your blood still covered me,
Yet, You still kept me,
You sustained me,
You remained faithful even when I cheated on You.
I'm sorry...
Please let's start all over again!

And,
I think I know why You did all that...
It's because of the blood,
It covers me,
It covered all my sins, failures and short comings,
It covered my foolishness,
It covered my arrogance,
It covered my fears,
It covered my mistakes,
It covered my waywardness,
And everything in between.
These are tough times for me God, for us, really...
But please keep me ( us) reminded that the blood that Jesus shed on the cross covered me (us) then,
And it shall continue to cover me (us), even now!

And no matter what happens tomorrow ,
May I rest in the confidence that it was finished!
That the old is gone and the new has come,
But when I don't, please remind me that I'm still covered!

God
I've heard you my dear,
Do not fear!

Signed,
Winnie Doxa.

#FindingGrace!
#KeepingHopeAlive!
#HappyEaster2020!
#HeTakesUsThrough!

Photo courtesy of @EutychusFortunate 

What If...

By now, we all are aware God is trying to communicate something.
Or maybe you are too self absorbed to think that it's just another challenge, you'll figure it out...mmh!

But,
what if,
What if like the Israelites in the wilderness this goes on and on until we embrace obedience...

What if like Sodom and Gomorrah it's a time to turn away from our wicked ways...

What if like Cain it's a time to offer our best in  worship...

What if like Eve it's a time to think through the  choices we've made and live with the consequences...

What if like Sarah it's a time to hope against hope that God's promise for our lives will come to pass and avoid the temptation to do it our way...

What if like Esther it's a time to rise up as leaders, get on our knees, dare to face our fears for the sake of our nation and our loved ones...

What if like Hannah this is a time to desperately petition for what our hearts deeply desire...

What if like Moses this is our burning bush experience, a time to say yes to God or to turn away from His will...

What if like Pontius Pilate this is a time to realize that we are not in a power struggle and give up the fight...

What if like Nebuchadnezzar this is an opportunity to repent from abuse of power and authority God has given us and get our act right...

What if like Joshua this is a time to gather all  strength and courage for our next assignment...

What if like Mary ( Jesus's Mother) this is the beginning of carrying the miraculous and letting go of every plan we had in mind for our lives...

What if like the disciples this is the time to not just preach the sermons we've heard from Jesus ( in this case from our Pastors and church leaders) over the years but more so to live them out...

What if like Simon Peter the question we all need to answer Jesus is,"do we love Him?"

What if like Elijah this is the time to call down fire from heaven on behalf of our nation...

What if like the woman with the issue of blood this is the time to fight for our survival no matter what it takes...

What if like Joseph (Mary's husband) this is the time to trust that God's will is worth the pursuit
even when we feel thrown off completely...

What if!
What if!
What if!
What if this is a wake up call from getting used to life as normal,
What if this is a reminder that life is in the things we perceive as little
What if like Jesus, this is the time to say,"not my will Father, but your will be done! "
What if what's going on through your mind right now is God’s leading...

( In a soft tone)
What if
What if, is something we all need to figure out...

Signed,
Winnie Doxa.

SIGH!

It happened too fast,
We had just met, I liked the way he smiled at me.
I liked being around him.
He told me I was the best thing that has ever happened to him
He told me he can't wait to make me his woman,
He told me all those things that give you butterflies...
And also,
He said, I make his world go around,
Imagine! I believe it...
Lol!

I wasn't very sure about him,
Everything physical looked like exactly what I wanted,
When he opened his mouth I could tell that He is smitten
Yet, I knew he hadn't given his life to Christ
How could he know so much about a God he never encountered?
I was awed,
A battle between what I wanted and what I prayed for begun in me.

It happened so fast,
Before I knew it,
We were out on dates,
We spent a lot of time chatting and calling each other.
It seemed like a dream come true,
The battle still continued and my flesh took the crown.
I couldn't imagine letting him go...

One day he was unwell,
I had to go and visit him at his place,
I cared for him,
And with time he recovered,
I still went to visit him,
Not knowing I was trapping myself...
It was a Sunday afternoon,
I had just come from church,
Passed by his place and before I knew it
I found myself in his bed.
How did this happen?

It happened so fast,
I felt so guilty, I felt I had betrayed my faith
I wondered if the church would accept me.
He was sorry, of course! And said whatever happened we are in it together,
I left and took sometime away from him to talk to myself,
Then I noticed I missed my periods...
Yes, I got pregnant...

It happened so fast,
How could I be so foolish,
The condemning voices begun,
I stopped going to church,
I had no friends from church,
My "prince charming"also left me
I was surely the award winning sinner of that time...
And in the midst of all that,
I had to find some little faith in me to keep me going!

So,
" It happened so fast,"
Is a statement I don't take lightly nowadays,
It reminds me of my brokenness, my vulnerability,
My lack of patience on waiting on God's promises for me.
And most importantly it also reminds me of
God's grace, love, mercy, patience and goodness.
My heart goes out to people like me who found themselves in spaces they never imagined because,
It happened so fast...

May God sustain you,
May you realize this is not the end of your story...
Praying Isaiah 54 over your life!

Nowadays,
I am learning to really slow down in the decisions and choices I make, because,
It happened too fast is a lesson I live with.

Signed,
Winnie Doxa.

Inspired by true life experiences...From the collection >>> #HeTookMeThrough! 

Overcomer You Are!

#OvercomerYouAre!

So,
I thought you would break me,
Not so much because you have the power to
But because you had mastered how to put me down
I began the year heart broken
I felt like life lost meaning
Forgetting that my worth cannot be tagged along who stays and who leaves....

I thought you would break me,

Because just when I thought I was getting healed, you sorrounded me with sorrow after sorrow...
While they were on parte after... 

I lost a relative who was more like a mother to me.
Then, another relative's home got burnt down
It felt like a thriller movie.
Before I could  recover,
We lost yet another relative, and another
and another...
I felt like I would lose my mind, literally!
I stopped telling people about it,
I was tired of explaining how.
The thought, 'Where is your God' was the playback in my mind.
He was still there...

I thought you would break me,
Because just when I thought I had lost enough,
I found myself looking for a place to stay, again!
Because I got evicted without notice...
My mind at this point wasn't functioning very well,
I felt extremely overwhelmed, I felt lost, I felt alone.
How can life become so cruel?
I wondered,
Anyway, I chose to breathe and sigh deeply.
As words couldn't describe how I felt.

I thought you ( 2019) would break me,
Because I had to make really tough decisions concerning my destiny.
Looking back, I am thankful to God that I met you.
I realized that you didn't have that power unless I gave it to you.
I realized that you were strengthening me
I realized you were shaping me,
Because now, more than ever,
I deeply emphasize with anyone going through loss
I haven't mastered it, as I reckon I can't,
But my perspective is definitely changed.

Thank you again
For showing me what I am really made of
For teaching me to find joy in the storms 
To filter negative vibes and focus on what builds   me up.
To find peace in chaos
To find God in silence
To find purposes in pain
And most importantly not to lose myself in pity party.
I am now looking forward to 2020 with my swords on.
I have to let you go 2019,
So, I forgave, forgave and forgave more
I can't carry you with me, though rest assured, I'll carry the lessons with me.

Happy new year!!!
May you rise above every obstacle realizing that He who is in you is greater than the one in the world.

Inspired by true life experiences.
From the collection...#HeTookMeThrough!

Signed,
Winnie Doxa.